Love as we age

I recently celebrated my 50th birthday. 

In one of the audiobooks I frequently listen to, Depak Chopra suggests this milestone as a second birth.

In my new lifetime I already have the knowledge and physical capabilities that I've earned through my lifetime of experience as well as the physical and financial spoils of seniority. Still, it is true that I can reasonably expect to live several more decades. I am sufficiently fit in spite of the common complaints of this age such as arthritis, high blood pressure, and the consequences of my past behaviors.

I may have some generational wealth to cushion the impending deterioration of my body (which Chopra writes is possible to postpone via meditation and yoga practice), but that comes with generational trauma, specifically regarding norms and taboos surrounding romantic relationships, marriage, stability, etc. It is difficult for me to let go of the belief that I need a man to support me, to fix things, to be my companion... even though I have a job and retirement account, I have tools that I know how to use, and I have a dog, there's no substitute for the human companionship of romantic love, is there?

In this second lifetime, the cohort I have are the colleagues I work with, and those who share my recreational interests, rather than the classmates of my age and location that my parents lived; they are the friends and family of my choosing rather than those determined by the circumstances of my birth. In the past, I've used dating services to try and find the partnership I missed out on or whatever... about a year ago I gave up on that because I found the people of my age looking on such websites are not worth my time, and I decided to believe that I am whole and complete without a man....

Then last Thursday, it was the final Full Moon Lighted Bike Parade of the 2024 season while I was getting the  tricycles that I built and converted to electric motors ready for my friend and I to ride in a five mile parade at 6 PM, someone from a dating site whom I'd never really gotten to know texted me at around 4 PM asking if it was me (but misspelled my last name). 

I gave him the benefit of the doubt even though I hadn’t thought of him since we had met; I said “hi” and confirmed that it was me.

He told me that he thought of me a few times and that he found my number on an old website.

I told him how I’d been booted off Facebook and all’s well, etc.

I thought we were having a healthy back and forth when I went back and finally read all that he had sent, but suddenly he didn’t respond about getting together on the weekend, so I went back and responded to his earlier criticisms, and he didn’t seem to want to work out our past few dating experiences as he had suggested in his initial texts…

He reached out to me at a time that wasn’t convenient for me, but I replied to him -- saying "Yes" to what I kind of hoped was a romantic outreach.

He sent me a bunch of nonsense about what’s going on in his life, and even though he never asked, I took it as an invitation to tell him what is going on with me, and invite him to be part of my life… but then when I mirrored the critical tone he messaged me in about our past interactions he was offended. 

He reached out to me out of the blue… and I worry that I’m taking things the wrong way because he's telling me that in the past I didn't understand that he had liked me because of his diagnoses... but then he sends me a document demainding I stop communicating with him - which is manipulating my perception of reality and making me question the qualifications and emotional intelligence and professional communication skills that I’ve worked for as valid -- the literal textbook definition of gaslighting. AND it's also what I want. We agree to not contact each other... but it's a little creepy that he headed the document with my full address (name still misspelled) and didn't include his own (which would be required on legal paperwork)...

I don't need that. I know what I'm worth.

No one deserves to be told how they feel, or that their feelings are wrong.

It is people just like him that have been the median picks for me on online dating websites, but I know that I deserve better. I know my worth as a highly educated woman with grown kids, a house, etc. 

Everyone wants the connection of another human being to be their person, but it’s important at all ages to affirm the positive about ourselves and try our best to put the negative aside. Give yourself love, don’t go looking for what’s within ourselves out there! 

This is why I’d love to revive the Cuddle Party ™ events here in Ithaca. I want people who are older, like myself, who want to hang out and talk about consentual touch, and boundaries, and have conversations in person… Please leave a comment if this post has interested you and you are interested in exploring platonic expressions of affection, consent, and play.

If you’re having a bad day, look again, did you have a bad day or did you have a bad 5 minutes that you let ruin your whole day? 

Love yourself first, and let everything else develop for you.

Blessed be!